Anna Brix Thomsen
- Jul 23, 2013
- 9 min read

Opposing Authority – Kindergarten Paranoia (Pt.3) – DAY 38

In the previous blog-post we took a nosedive into the paranoia existent in a child’s experience already from kindergarten where I utilized my own memories and experiences to show how extensively paranoia is influencing our minds through the educational systems we have set up and how these are structured.

Since writing the post, I have gotten an even closer look into how our childhood memories come to shape our entire life and identity. What is so crazy is that most of us walk around as adults not understanding why we experiences the problems and inner conflicts that we, believing that the problem is somehow ‘who we are’ or that we’re simply ‘born this way’ without realizing how everything we are, everything we experience was preconceived and predetermined already from our childhood years. And adults that work with and are responsible for ‘raising’ children, such as teachers or parents do not even understand how their words and behavior affects children, to such an extent where a seemingly tiny and minute point can change who the child becomes and limit and compromise them for the rest of their lives into developing specific paranoia’s or insecurities that they have no idea where come from because no one has taught them how to understand how memories work, let alone their minds or physical bodies.

From this perspective, the education system is not only useless, it is actually damaging our children that grow up to be the adults that are supposed to direct and manage our world but who are functionally incompetent in most areas of life, only managing to ‘get by’ barely even being alive at all.

So I am realizing the importance of going back and face and correct the misconstructions of reality that I created as a child, most often by taking things personally and then identifying myself according to these personalization’s – personalization’s that eventually become ‘functional’ personalities that I’ve then believed, accepted and lived as ‘who I am’. I recently wrote a blog-post in my personal blog where I walked through such a point and I was astounded to see the threads and layers of a personality being traced all the way back to my early childhood and the ‘simple’ yet detrimental ‘mistake’ of parents and adults to not actually explain to children how the world works in fact.

So in this post I am going to move deeper into the memories that I described in the previous two blog-posts, my relationship to the adults of the kindergarten and I will specifically investigate how these relationships came to shape who I defined myself as, so that I can let them go once and for all and move on with a clean slate.

If you are interested in learning more about Self-Forgiveness and how important it is as a tool to release ourselves from the past, I suggest reading this blog-post by Eleonora Gozzini.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I saw the teachers of the kindergarten, to see, perceive and experience them from within and as an experience of paranoia where I saw them as dangerous and where I feared them because all I saw them as was big heads and arms that was constantly yelling and being angry and restricting me in doing what I wanted to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive and experience the teachers in the kindergarten as enemies that couldn’t be trusted and whom I’d do best in staying away from and not opening myself up to because I feared that they would yell at me and get angry at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and create a relationship to resentment and distrust towards the kindergarten teachers because I only saw them as restrictive and angry and not in any way saw them as human beings existing here equally as one with me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, define and judge the kindergarten teachers as ‘prison ward’ type personalities that I then define myself in contradiction to in rebellion because I perceived and believed that all they existed for was to restrict my free movement and yell at me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and hold the kindergarten teachers accountable and responsible for my experience of feeling restricted, confined and scared – not seeing, realizing or understanding that this was my own accepted definition and perception of them in relation to myself, where I conversely defined myself as ‘free’ and ‘expressive’ believing that anything and everything I did was ‘good’ not seeing, realizing or understanding how a part of their work was to prevent accidents from happening and to prevent harm in situations where I actually didn’t understand the context of possible consequences of my actions and as such I see, realize and understand that what they did was valid within this perspective yet obviously the starting-point of anger is misaligned and unnecessary and unacceptable – but the fact that I took it personally and defined myself according to it as well as up against it in opposition is my responsibility – because I could have, even though I was a child, seen the situation holistically and understood the teachers and myself in relationship to them within the context of the kindergarten and as such not have taken it personally but instead simply aligned myself within what was best in the context and as such stood stable and unwavering within and as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I perceived the kindergarten teachers as unjustly restricting my movements and my expression where I believed that they were yelling at me and angry at me because they didn’t like me, not seeing, realizing or understanding how little adults actually know in fact about how to educate children and as such how powerless they are and feel, which is one of the reasons why they resort to using fear to control children, not that it excuse yelling or getting angry – but it explains in in a more expanded context that doesn’t have anything to do with me personally which I didn’t understand and instead I actually created a personality and an identity in opposition to what I saw the teachers doing, not seeing, realizing or understanding how what I was opposing was actually my own polarized perception and taking what they teacher’s did and said personally and as such it never had anything to do with them but was a polarity game I was playing out in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that the oppositional character and personality that I’ve created in relationship to teachers and authority-figures and that I’ve justified within my mind as being perfectly reasonable and righteous because “they’re the one’s with the problem” actually originates from my initial experience of reacting to the kindergarten teachers where I took it personally when they restricted my movements or expression and feared that they didn’t like me or that they were doing it deliberately because there was something wrong with me and thus created the oppositional character as a way to suppress the fear and paranoia I was experiencing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not enable myself to distinguish between someone assisting me to move beyond the limitations that I have set and accepted for myself and points that I am not yet effective at and someone deliberately restricting me and exerting power over me because of a personal vendetta and instead perceive all forms of restriction as personal and deliberate and therefore resist them, instead of actually looking in common sense at whether or not it would be best for me to be restricted or not

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that whenever someone restricts me, it is a personal attack on my freedom of movement and they are doing something wrong and unjustly and therefore it is in my right to oppose them either directly, indirectly or in secret instead of looking in common sense self-honesty at whether or not this restriction is actually a form of support that can assist and support me to expand myself or where someone else simply sees more than I do in a moment

SELF-CORRECTIVE STATEMENTS

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to a teacher or a person in an authority position restricting me in some way as for example telling me what to do or where to go, I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve created an automated pattern of automatically reacting to authority figures when they are restricting me, without considering whether the restriction is in fact commonsensical or not and that even if it is somehow personal and deliberate, it doesn’t mean that I am in fact restricted, it simply means that within the current context of the situation I am in, I am faced with someone in an authority position which in many instances is not something I can change and therefore I see, realize and understand how irrational it is and how detrimental it can be for me to oppose the restriction set by the authority figure instead of simply following the directive given without experiencing myself as ‘losing’ anything. So therefore I commit myself to stop reacting to authority figures and teachers within and as a reaction of going into opposition and I commit myself to instead stop, breathe and look commonsensically at the information presented and see whether or not it would be best to follow the directive or not. And if I see that the restriction is in fact deliberate, personal and unnecessary I commit myself to remain stable and simply follow the directive unless I see it can have abusive consequences for others or myself.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to step into the oppositional character and personality towards authority figures, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here to the stability of my physical body. Because I see, realize and understand that I have created the oppositional character from within a starting-point of fear, where I believed that I could somehow empower myself by going into opposition, most often creating unnecessary consequences for myself and others as well as within this suppressing the fear that I’ve accepted within and as me because I took the restriction presented by the authority figure personally and thus using opposition as a way to cope and make myself look stronger in my mind’s eye. I also see, realize and understand that the oppositional character and personality is not in fact who I am, as it is a polarity-based personality I’ve created in reaction to my own perception of authority figures as ‘dangerous’ and ‘scary’ and ‘unjust’ simply because I took the information presented and how they presented it personally, instead of looking holistically at the situation. So therefore I commit myself to step out of and to let go of the oppositional character and personality because I see, realize and understand that it serves no practical purpose or function.

In the next post I will continue with self-forgiveness statements on the next dimension of paranoia that I developed in kindergarten which I outlined on DAY 37.

Until next time.

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